Why did you leave me?

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Dear Mammy,

I remember the day I met you for the first time since you left me behind.  I walked nervously down the driveway, my insides twisted into a knot tighter than my kids get their shoelaces into!

Then, before I knew it I was there. It was too late to change my mind. I couldn’t go now. So a deep breath and in I went.
There you were. In the flesh. (I suppose I’d had 25 odd years, picturing what you looked like. No photos for reference. Never speaking to anyone who knew you. I suppose I had you down as a red head. But then you smiled and put your arms around me.

For that moment the world was right. For a moment. All my worries and cares went away.

I suppose then I should have asked the questions. Maybe you would have answered. I didn’t want to spoil it. Couldn’t risk you telling me to go. Not after all the pain and all those years.

Perhaps I should have told you what my life was really like. How you leaving me and my sister behind when I was only three, messed me up.

Maybe I should have told you how scared I was in the orphanage. How the Nuns had me terrified!

Perhaps I should have told you how even now, I can’t tell people something that might upset them.

Would it have made a difference?

What about if I had asked you why? Why take our elder brother and leave us behind?

I’ve children of my own now. I could never leave them. Never get on a train leaving them there, alone! Not knowing if I was ever coming back.

Even worse I could never take just ONE.

Your gone now. I’ll never know the answers. Does it really matter?

We cannot change what has happened. Cannot change the past.

Why did you leave me Mammy? Why didn’t you come back?

You’ve caused so many problems.

There’s times I hate who I am.

Would I have been different if you’d never left me so?

Would I be a better man?

Could I be a better Daddy? I think we know I can. There’s times I get frustrated. There’s times I feel like crying.

You turned my heart to stone. Incapable of love. I havent many interests and hardly any friends. I’m not much good at talking and hate to be in crowds.

I still can see your face, the day I walked in the door. I suppose I should have told you, of all these thoughts I have.

Maybe then you might have told me, and answered all my questions.

I’ve a baby girl now. She’s a real little cutie. She’s brains to burn and looks to boot. Shes going to be a success. She’s bold and brave, clever and cute.  One day I’ll tell her about you. I don’t know what I’ll say. I still don’t have an answer if she asks me “Why?” 

Why did you leave me Mammy? 

I hope I don’t screw her up with all my problems, and she doesn’t end up a mess.

She has her life ahead of her along with her brother. Thanks to them, now, I know what love is. Buddy gave me a little glimpse an Little Miss OMG melted my heart of stone.

They can be anything they want Mammy!

At least they’ll never never wonder WHY! Why they were left behind.

Alan


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